Its my sunday. I make it to other side of this miserable majestic wilderness this morning and the wild life was talking to me. Even the squirrels heckle me. It was the morning and I had a couple of boxes at the bus stop still moving my stuff from my old room. Sitting on a park bench, two squirrels chase each other down a tree across the street from me. Speeding full stop together they stop and stare at me side by side for like ten seconds. One then does a sideways leap frog barrel role and roles over the other one leaving him not pulled. Then they go off to a tree behind me chasing and playing.
I've finished the meeting with housing and received a written final warning. They send the guy I lashed out at passed me, probably bugged, to set me up again. I've got no words to fake apology right now. I gave him a "look up," as I looked up. The girl I asked out about five chapters ago was having a picnic outside the grocery. I walked behind her and saw her right cheek. She's a beautiful one. I have a phobia of situations like that as if I did talk to her its the perfect senerio for "James" to pull up in a car and show me his penis before she would get in. I can work up the courage to talk to you, it would just rip my heart out if you'd play to the same script people take 100 percent of the time. She was with Jack Johnson and musicians on the bus today. Still I can't talk to anyone, I have to put on the biggest front to maintain any conversation right now. I went to get a package form the post office and the cute girl there has the sweetest accent but I couldn't' under stand a word she said for like three minutes because I was screaming at myself inside about not thinking about kissing her. How can anyone understand any words she says? I'm watching Planet Of The Apes and as I walked to the post office. I got to smile at Jane Goodall. Talk about a beautiful woman. Things will be put into movies like the one I'm watching and I will take hidden meaning that directors are trying to communicate with me via movie. This has been an ongoing theme. So many that I stopped counting a decade ago. Things like the bad guy ape has a chunk missing from his ear and I'm deaf in one ear. The sexy cow girl I work with had her eyes well up as they played her voice through a loud speaker saying I "do women's work." and something about, "James will ouch you." She's learning how and why they want to ouch me. I hope she uses this, these people with power trying to manipulate my life. I hope she uses it for what ever she wants. Its her free wish from me. I can grant wishes counselor. Have you ever heard of that. I'm the genie in a bottle. When are in the ocean bobbing far away from everyone and you get to read my message.
So I contacted the shrink. Can I call her that. The coo coos nest director. Its going to be an all day traveling to get to an appointment day next week. And I have to decide when and if she gets to even read this. So, I have a week of chapters before her first appearance. I don't know how confidentiality laws apply. But I will do my best to not reveal her practice. I suppose were working on resolving my mental issues and I can approach her rational. I'm sure she's just going to listen to me talk. First about last summer, and second I would approach schizofrinia and voices in my head. And the heightened percentage from people that have survived spinal menijitus.
The critic is saying, "They played you.", laughing about the chapter. All sorts of everything. So my consuler understands. The critic is my voyeurer. The critic watches me 24 hours a day critiquing everything I do. From watching me do laudary, to watching me steal pink soap for the showers.
This is kind of weird. What if my counselor can read this before our first meeting. Maybe we should get to know each other more here. Maybe they can let you be the critic. She did already say I was bad for the girl I asked out in chapter 32 after we hung up and finished our conversation on the phone. I hear her voice several seconds after the phone is hung up like some weird electronic echo.
The critic is saying "James up." I suppose its supposed to make me mad as if were in competition or something. I haven't spoke with this guy in like a decade and a half. I bet he can't write his shrink before he speaks to his shrink.
The critic says I'm "sick." Is that true counselor? How sick am I? Do I need a doctor? Should I go live in a looney bin again? I don't like anti depressants. and think there is a more smart answer to bouts of depression. The other night I had to think about suicide as a way to calm me and coax me into sleeping. A vivid picture of a leprecon and a sad white ghost in all black background invaded my mind after the third time I had woke up and was trying to again coax myself back into sleeping. I'll tell you at our session how I would off me but I don't feel its appropriate here, because if anyone off'd themselves the way I described here I would never forgive myself.
Hey critic! You know what would be awesome! If I got laid tonight, why don't you do that for me since today is already going awesome cause I have half a steak in my belly and twice baked beeny weeny potato.
Thats how crazy I am consoler. Is that healthy? Maybe writing this isn't healthy. If I could write about something else that'd be great, but I can't. This is all I think about.
The critic complements my dinner. And says, "they are with me."
They say I should watch her. I think that means get one of her movies. I will do that tonight.
My mother is here. She was i several disquises today as I walked about getting my to do list done. My brothers mother in law and wife are here. The crazy awesome musician from high school is here. I think a couple of my girlfriends are here. Apparently were not on speaking terms because I would need to talk about this rather then have pretend talk and noises as communication.
My mother and father are supposed to be visiting me the day after our fist meeting next week. Typical, my family and friends don't come to visit me, they come to look at me like I'm a zoo animal. Ceaser from the movie I'm watching gets really frustrated. He escapes in the end. Even the bad guy ape escapes, the one I'm convinced they are drawing similarity to.
Counsler, They are not with me. The critic is not with me. They are with me like a hole in the wall. They a horrible conversationalist. They are not fun to talk to. They don't explore any new topics and only harass me about what they know makes me mad. Why do we have to be mad? Angry? They want me to be so angry, and I won't be, and they can't stand it.
The critic says "James is the bridge." I don't need a bridge. I can fly and have a tunnel. Several tunnels you can't fill them all in. Several secret tunnels you'll never find.
I don't need a bridge. My grass is perfectly green over here. Thats why, they want my green grass, cause I don't eat it. I had steak tonight. They are just mad their grass is all trampled on and really just a muddy hill. It is so soft and comfortable here with my hands behind my head as I lay in it looking and them try to gain balance on a a slick slope.
I'm watching The Feloship to the Ring now. I can't remember If I told you but I have the ring, and I wear it all the time at work. Trying to get away from my voyeurer at work. Trying, so I do a good job and don't let the heckling anger me and make me not do a good job. I remember one time three years ago. I made about 40 gallons of hummus. And a manager whispered harassment and it made me angry and then while moving the 40 gallons of hummus I spilled it all. Expensive remark to make ones ego briefly superior.
A little girl just yelled at my window that I'm "bad to rap." I did promise the critic a "rap." We will go to Costa Rica first. Maybe after the first meeting with the counselor.
I'm real "gross." And I'm a "bad skyper." The people have caused me to act out. I will blame the critic for every negative in my life.
They called me a raceist. From what they have read here in the previous chapters. I saw two beautiful black women the other day and I didn't have the tourettes in my head. Its the people I work with because I have to hear everyone support the negative in passive whisper. And I don't get to communicate about it so I have the tourettes. I think writing these is helpful.
The critic wants me to be fair. I think they are mad that I have cornered my voyeur. That or the voices in my head are very confused with me as I never do what the voices in my head say.
Gandolf said he "slaps" me, probably from my misuse of the ring. I'm sorry Gandolf. Your gonna have to take my precious.
The critic says, "why try." "I'll stop you", and "Thats right." That I, "gave up." The girl I asked out in chapter 33 just said "were all here." Not unless they all get to wear her super hero costume. Ha ha. Now I'm going to imagine everyone I have to work with wearing her super hero costume tomorrow. I make me laugh. Everyone but me is wearing the invisible girls costume tomorrow, In my real imagination. You big guys are going to look funny.
I think the critic wants fulofal. And wants me to "cheat." "Best chapter." A "please wait." "Sad chapter." And an ""Ill share." These are all from people yelling at my window I call critics. A "I have to." A "Jake you'l fail." A "Like E." The critic says that she will "try." This makes me think she wants to follow through with my request above as they watch me write this. Do your best, I am frozen and cannot initiate anything right now.
They can't call me "Jersey." People that tamper with food and make me eat something I don't want to don't get to give me nick names.
The critic says "bad smoke." This is a dangerous predicament for me here because it is grounds for removal from my housing. But it is a necessary to calm my anxiety as if I don't have it nights like last night happen a bottle of whiskey and a six pack of coronas is gone in the morning. Something I would like to discus the marijuana types that may be best for healing me. So, counselor, And if you want to recommend pills of an anxiety disorder, I don't want to play a placebo game again, and if you are absolutely sure that I need to try a prescription to /Paxil, or some similar. I will. But I won't be happy and don't think my disorder needs pill prescriptions. Maybe heart burn. Can you make it cheaper to get Pepcid AC?
The critic says, "best chapter." And an "I'll ask you out." Is directed at my window. If that sexy critic that is my new neighbor wants to relieve me of some tension. I am right here. I've fell for the "I'll ask you out," routine and will not fall for it again for my critics amusing themselves. You want to watch a movie tonight critic? Its set up like a couch in here. Make yourself comfortable. I'm watching the Feloship, but I have several others.
The critic says "they will ouch," me. and that the "got" me. Come on critic, lets end this chapter with me taking a load off your back. A "James will thank you." A "They pay you." An "I love you." A "pulled zits hurt." An "I like it." Just knock on my door with a long coat on and tell me you need to sit down. I'm a "bad basso." My dads the critic now. Don't knock dad. Not like that any way. A "they cheat." They are saying I have to rap, again. I can't even listen to that music with out panicking to crippling needs to have to make a poem. And that can't happen until the voyeuring stops. Who wants to get my dick hard tonight? A " Something about a "condom."
An "Ill explode you." Gandolf told me to, "please speak."
Speak, you are wonderful. Your are the best thing. I will do you all the time to learn you forever.
The critic is upsetting me with the amount of people named "James" that are in my life. Its true things are real twisted. But we will unravel it as these chapters pan out.
Gandolf says he''ll share. He's just tricking me so I don't have precious anymore.
The critic is "all up set." A "they all share." An "I'll share." "Legit." "James likes you." "you answer." "Keep here." "They trade you". "Bitch blazer." Is basket ball on critic?" I want watch but I don't want to blast music in my ear right now. "Stay here." A "try" a different cow girl I know. The critic is complaining about my writing again. They don't like the movie I'm watching either. A "Just wait." A "will post you." A "bad wait." "Worst rap." A, I'm bad for the girl I asked out in chapter 33. A "bad psychic." You guys are like those spying birds from the Feloship. A "James just fucked her." A "were sorry." The chef liked my potato. "your mine." A "how sad, bad psychic." I did just try flirting with a neighbor in my thoughts. I just imagined a story of I'm in her room and she is in a long coat and nothing else. We kiss, I feel I'm invasive so I back up and make a glass between us with a curtain on her side. She approaches the glass and touches it softly until I remove it. We kiss again. Then she backs away. I put it back, she comes closer and closes the blinds leaving her smiling face poking through. I back up and close the thought. I'm in my room alone again. She then appears. We have sex. I finish on her. I let her lay with me as I watch my movie. You can't invade peoples space with this psychic talk. And how come my receiver of it is broken and my sender of it tells everyone everything all the time? The critic says I'm a "joke." "Sad writer." "Sad rapper." A "thats cute." "were all sorry." "Please stop". They are frustrated again. We do this all the time. I'm tired people. I forgot to give you a time limit.
"A real cheap." I'm going insane here woman. I'm sorry my attention can't be all on you right now. I have to find enough spandex for everyone at work now. A "I missed you." As I return from my cigarette. Gandolph called me a bitch before I went out. Just knock with a long coat on. Maybe have a bottle of wine and two glasses as you let your coat open. I'll let you in.
That is my cartoon I want to make. Three back grounds. A prep table. A walk in refrigerator. and a back dock. The cartoon is me doing a lot of work while my co-workers do different things to make me mad. I attain the power of illusion, at first that they can't see. Like little miniature transformers playing games behind their back. I bring a new character, The chef with the beard net on this side of the far off miserable majestic wilderness. You will be the first character that doesn't work there but can be there , that is a person that will help me diffuse the games work plays on me. I cannot borrow the actual you, because you have your own work. The normal every day there character will be confused by your sudden appearance. And who and why your there. But you can vanish before they try to catch on to you. So, the cartoon elusion of you will be able appear when you want making funny faces behind peoples back and such. Who wants to do movies lets just do voices for cartoons. Some body get this guy a gig.
Uh-oh, They are stuck on the breaking bridge in the Feloship. I guess you guys can watch this movie from where your watching me. No wonder you didn't come over, you can get all the entertainment without having to talk to me.
I think the girl I asked out in chapter 33 said "I have too." What do you have to do? come closer, I can't hear you the movies to loud.
My neighbor likes me. My critic says "keep her." If I can invade her space, how come she can't invade mine without yelling things at my window? A "rap attractive." I think she slapped me. A "have your neighbor." "Slap tobacco." I think the counselor just read all the chapters up to know, and said "good grief." When we talk, about this, probably not next week. But when we do talk about this, I hope you are honest as if you just said "good grief," and how and why it just came through my computer.
I think a really nice way of turning down a wedding proposal would be to yell and freak out like the Elf queen in the Feloship. In fact all women should practice memorizing those lines just to make me happy if I ever ask you to marry me.
The critic says "they watch you." A "your bad for Rabbit." I understand this. But I'm being voyeured. I understand I am bad for a rapper I am supposed to be
communication with in rap. But I've got some things to work out of my life before I go yelling at radio stains again. Thats very nice critic, but do you see how You only ever repeat yourself and I say different and rational arguments every time? I can't even remember how to rhyme….shall we play a rhyming game….ok, critic., for the next ten minutes I will rhyme with your noises.
"bad to rabbit."
nabbed a dad ill bit
Add as is
had a tad bit
mad to sad it
"I'll use you"
all loose hoop
They are really quiet now, you don't want to play? five more minutes.
breast bath her
who eyes I it
"Bad to keeper."
shut up you stupid critic. Games over. Times up, better luck next time. The critic says "bad fight." I know this. This is a horrible fight. Tooth and nail. Do you want to tap out? The referee should just take my computer away again.
I just want to know what people talk like again.
Sam Wise, YOU CAN'T SWIM!!! I am the worst life guard.
He's in the boat! phew!
I started drinking two thirds into this chapter. Besides auto correct correcting the two i wrote in the sentence before, from thow to two, lets see what the difference is of me writing enihibreated. I don't know how to spell enebrehated. Do you guys remember the spelling b when you were a kid? I think I would be the best speller if I had just the passion for the word and its realization at a young age. Its actual purpose from direvitive. Wanted to know the people that appropriated it and why. Languages are a huge magical puzzle that I will never understand. But wanted that as a child not a man going through a mid life crisis.
Thank you critic. Suck my dick.
I went out for a cigarette. I think my counselor that I have my appointment for just walked passed me. I gave a cordial "evening." Was it you? I will find out next week. You have to admit. I am going through a trailing time. I will tell you of the last meeting I had with a counselor. This is after the coo coos nest, after the Rica, after the criminal moved into my apartment. And I moved back in with my parents, and promised them to see a counselor. I don't know how to spell counselor either and let auto correct do it for me every time. I went and saw a shrink then, he asked me if it was ok if a junior apprentese take the job of speaking with me. I did. A boy was in the room and I told him of the vicious stalking. The horrible bus stop waits. The jobs being taken from manipulated blow jobs. "James," and his absolute authority over controlling the women in my life to, instead of spending time with me, spend their time in cars passing me with penis's in their mouths. When I was done with the hour I'm called retarded as I leave. That day was a pink hummer passing me filled with beautiful women as I waited for a bus to leave the shrink.