Chapter 38




Chapter 38
So, this is my life counselor.  Trying to prove I'm voyeured with these silly chapters.  At work today was proof from my co-workers that they had read chapters 36, 37, and now 38 before I published it, as they whisper their approval of reading it to me all day.  Taken from me live from the privacy of my lap tops notes, I wonder how long this has been happening.  The girl I gave a wish too didn't let me know what her wish would be.  She doesn't have to tell me in order for the wish to happen.  All day long I imagined my co-workers in a pair of spandex that the invisible woman wears.  It was quite entertaining for me, as it sided the anger I would have otherwise to their constant harassment.  There is place for harassment in the work place Is what Ive learned here.  When I get home the new neighbors are excited to be a part of the harassment and want a roll in the chapters.  They congregate outside my window and do all the typical harassment.  Now including the girl I asked out in chapter 33.  That is why I referred to her as fuel for them.  For the longest time they had no fuel, but now they have enough to last them all summer.  I feel I'm watched in my room like its their soap opera.  I reach for my bottle of water.  And a voice from outside says "your thirsty."  Round and round we go until I freak out in social exile and do something they can all humiliate me more with.  I'm sober tonight.  Its rare.  I would use the alcohol to calm the harassment as if I'm sober, I'm more likely to do what they want and respond by yelling at them from my closed room.  They want me to be mad so badly.  The critic wants me to rap.  This isn't what rap was about when I did it for fun on a middle school bus.  This is about a peoples control over me and their need to antagonize me to make me frustrated for their entertainment.  And now with me being on a final warning probation period I feel I shouldn't speak to anyone.  What if they organize lies to try and get me in trouble again.  The critic has all sorts of input tonight, but I want to ignore them.  I'm watching a movie again, and the characters are giving me advice as well.  This movie is hard enough to understand without their interruptions.  The critic will have no part of this chapter,  I refuse to let them be a part of this one.  It is all the typical things they are saying.  Its every minute or so.  I try to imagine what exactly these people would say to me if they had the chance.  The people that my co-workers support in their constant pretend talk and noises.  I imagine I walk passed a table they are having drinks at.  What in the world would they possibly say to me?  I would have nothing to say to them.  I would try and be professional, as I am not going to lose my job.  How happy they would be to take another opportunity from me.  They need me to not work so far away in this miserable majestic wilderness, so they can play their games on me more easily in the cites.  Jokes on them, I would go further away if I lost my job here.  
I like to walk in the dark.  I like the scary feeling of you might almost walk into a tree.  You have to be light on your feet to feel the pavement with the balls of your feet.  I just found my medicine.  Yeah, I should get a vaporizer. What year is it?  
So, this is my life counselor.  My voyeurs just bragged about seeing me, that they are doing it currently.  They are throwing words around like there is competition or something.  They are saying that this writing to you is my worst rap.  What rap?  Now they are complaining that I'm miserable.
I haven't listened to them for twenty minutes, the voices are just noises.  They are still noises, but I don't know what they are saying.  They say I rap like a little girl.  Why are we rapping counselor?  What is rapping? and why am I asking my neighbors while they watch my letter to you?  They are name bombing now because I can't be social with these people that treat my life like a hole in the wall.  The Truman show complex.  Like I want no social interaction until you/these people are done voyeuring me and let me out.
They say they "see" the problem.  Do you?
ok.
So, then, Counselor.  What I will do is play games with my voyeurs in this endless cat and mouse shit talk fight.  At all times I have to think about what they want me to think about simply by hearing the word.  Distracting me from what I would otherwise be focusing on.
They apologized for their behavior.
I suppose I will ask you, Counsler, where should I take this stupid book? Can it be over on chapter 39? Please?
They are asking me to "please go." So I feel this compeling need to ask where I need to go, why, and how who is here right now! Should I do it counselor?  Should I engage in vocal conversation with my walls as I'm the only one in my room?  With these voices that are voyeuring me? 
They know your name counselor.  I just assume not but my voyeurs are using your name right now.  Waking me up from just about to finally go to bed at 153 am.
They defend it with a "they watch you."
Its early the next morning, Counselor,  They know your name now.  And they say I am "bad" for you.  I woke to a jolt of a dream I don't remember at 4 and immediately grab a red bull from my fridge.  I open and pound it, but can only eat it because its solid ice  It froze from the setting being to low.  The can is now cut open and I'm eating it with a fork. It still works.  The neighbor girl is making coffee flirting with me by looking sexy.  And I am in no condition to deal with sexy women.  And even if I did ask her in my room then I would knowingly be inviting her into a voyeurd room.
This bird just went on this long crazy loud chirping and someone finally yelled at it to "stop."  It did.
Now everyone is yelling at the birds to "stop."  As they pick up chirping again.  What is these peoples problem?  The birds must be so confused.  you guys should chirp back at them and trick them into their patterned conversation.  Now, Counselor, I am talking to them again.  I promised this chapter I wouldn't.
Now they say I am "sad" to you.  What does this mean and whats with the imprinting of beliefs on me.  I can be happy to you, I would imagine thats what we're going for
These peoples noise pollution effects my natural bird chirping in the morning experience.  If anyone is sad it is them for changing the birds day.
One of the girls is taking it to seriously and making sure she says a loud disgruntled stop at the beginning of any of these birds chirping.  Quiet lady!  That birds ancestor is the size of a bus and chirps too, your just a grub that makes noise.  Shhhh!
I'm talking to them again.  I must stop.
Someone whistled at the birds a long high chirp.