A Christmas Gift

This is not a joke. This is a holiday story from me to you.


It was Christmas night

The year was 2007

The final one before grandmothers trip up to heaven

The family all gathered, with our hearts filled with love

With no knowledge how soon motherdear would be looking down from above

But I truly believe on that cold night in December

I was given a gift that I shall always remember

With aunts and uncles, and cousins more than 20

With brothers and sisters and babies on the plenty

I was sent a present not from old Saint Nick

For this was the year I saw uncle Frank’s dick


Now I know a story like this is not usually told with a smile

But this is the story I think of when I haven’t smiled, in a while


The holiday had started, just the same as many others

With ham and rolls and cakes made by mother

It was one of those days I will never forget

And the greatest gift of all had not been given yet

So as we wrapped up our normal routine

The children were playing, the dishes were being cleaned

Stomachs were filled with food and good times

We adjourned to the living room to reflect and unwind

When in walked Uncle Frank


A man whose always been a bit bragadocious

And every new gadget he simply must show us

A few in the room showed him any anticipation

When Unc stepped into the room with pics from his Thanksgiving vacation


And to show off his new digital device

An early present received from his beautiful wife

A new HD camera he wanted all to see

Plugging wires into Grandmomma’s TV

Pics of New York were up on the wall

Statute of liberty, Niagra Falls

Empire State and even Times Square

In high definition, it was like we were there


And then it happened, we got to picture number 24

I’m not sure how many were left

But I assume many more


You know how they say in certain situations things feel like they go in slow motion? Whether you’re in a car accident? When you watch someone fall? People say things just go in slow motion. There was like a pause button hit. And there were, staring at uncle frank’s dick.


Am I seeing what I think I see?

Does anyone else see this but me?

Can I actually be looking at uncle Frank’s balls?

On Christmas day on grandmother’s wall?

Maybe I’m still high.

But I haven’t smoked in four hours and I ate so much pie.

I cannot possibly still be stoned

Pulled back to reality by uncle franks groan

And off of the floor he rose with a clatter

Yanking out wires, trying to divert a disaster

But it was too late

We had all seen it

On a 50 inch in HD was uncle frank’s penis


Oh the horror that came across his face

As the laughter began to erupt throughout the place

I cannot lie, it started with me

I was laughing so hard, I almost started to pee


But this was uncle frank’s big night

There he was in all of his glory

The reason why you all get to hear this story

I gaze across the room to see who has seen as much as I did

And who else would be burdened with the memory never to be rid?

To my left my mother – his sister – oh my

I knew she had an eyeful b/c her hands reached to sky

As to ask god almighty to take away her eyes

To my right my cousin – frank’s oldest born

From the tears in her eyes I could tell she was scorn

For her I truly felt the worst

She never got the vomit smell out of her new coach purse


Now this wasn’t a picture he could have taken himself

From the angle of his dangle, he would have needed some help

And that’s when I caught eyes with who must have been the director of the shoot

When uncle frank’s wife, my aunt, had been rendered a mute

Now I know there’s a part of her that wanted to run and hide

But as a good wife she knew she had to stay by frank’s side

Like she was when she took that nasty picture in the first place


And there was grandmother

With her back to the TV the entire time

The true saving grace that helps me continue this rhyme

I would have hated for her last memory of Christmas on earth

To be uncle frank’s pee pee, it’s length, and lack of girth

Although she truly wanted to know what she had missed

Still unable to form words, I just gave her a kiss


Now knowing the proper time to leave has always been my motto

And since dick on the wall is a hard act to follow

I headed to the closet to grab my winter coat

When I heard auntie’s voice beg please don’t make this a joke


So the moral of this story has got to be

When you ask a favor of me

Be careful of the words you choose

Because this has not been a joke

But a holiday story, from me to you.