The first (and only) time I ever got arrested.

So, when I was 17 my friend DJ and I were walking home from school. We were walking down a street we went down every day when DJ saw a traffic cone just sitting there on the sidewalk. Being the rebellious, irresponsible young man he was he picked it up and started to carry it with him. As we walked past a church we often walked by he swung the traffic cone, threw it on the lawn of the church and it just so happened to strike a light that was coming out of the ground and broke it. We kept walking until we got to DJ's house and didn't think of it again.


So about an hour later we are walking to my house which is probably a mile away or so. We walk past the church again and are about halfway to my house when a cop pulls up to us.

"You boys match the description of two young men who were seen vandalizing church property" the cop says to us.

"What are you talking about, we just left his house ten minutes ago." I replied.

"Well, according to our witness one boy in a light green coat and another in a dark green coat who look like you guys were scene committing the crime. If you just confess to it i'm sure you can get it resolved without anything going on your record." he says.

"No way man, I didn't do ANYTHING!" I reply

He asks us for our id's takes our names and addresses etc etc and says "ok, see you in court then"

I remember thinking to myself, 'yea right, they can't prove anything i'll never have to go for court for this.'

Sure enough a week or two later we both get letters in the mail saying we have court on charges of "malicious destruction of private property"


Kinda sounds scary when you say it like that...

So we go to court, we try to lie to the judge at first but he is not buying it. Eventually my friend admits that yes, he had broken the light. The judges calls us stupid a few times and then tells us we have to do 40 hours of community service and to be at the courthouse on some date that I forget at 7am.

So the morning of our community service we're already talking about how maybe we will get a cool person that will sign off on all of our hours after one day of work. We talked about how shitty and embarassing it was gonna be if we were picking up trash in a jumpsuit or something like that.

We walk 3 miles from my house and arrive at the courthouse to get on some random bus around 6:58am. Around 7:01 we start making jokes about how if the bus is much later we're just gonna leave. We probably waited about 15 minutes, the bus didn't show up so we left.

Fast forward to two years later.

I had all but forgotten about the incident. I figured since I hadn't gotten any calls or letters that it somehow magically took care of itself. Boy was I wrong. After having had sex with my girlfriend at the time one night DJ showed up at my house to pick me up for work. We worked together at a place that cleaned the oven hoods in the dirtiest restaurants in MA. I just wore the clothes I had just had sex in, didnt shower or change, just went to work.

First we stopped off at my friend dave's house to say what up to him. We parked out in front of his house like we always did and honked the horn. He comes out, starts talking to us through the window when suddenly his neighbor on the third floor of the house next door screams out the window

"You mother fuckers better stop selling drugs in front of my house. If you're not gone by the time I get down there you're fucking DEAD!"

We just laughed it off. First, we didn't think he was serious. Secondly there was three of us and we're all pretty big guys that have been in a fight or two. Next thing ya know the guys front door bursts open and he starts walking towards us with a huge metal pipe in his hand. Dave says "Fuck that" starts laughing and runs in his house. DJ then starts saying he has to leave because he can't let this guy mess up our work truck. So he throws it in reverse and starts to drive away and BAM, the guy smashes the back of the truck with his pipe right as we're pulling away.

Dj starts freaking out

"What am I gonna do? I have to call the cops, if I bring this truck back to work like this i'll get fired" he says

"Well we can't go to the cops because there might be a warrant out for me on that whole community service bullshit" I reply

"Dude, I got pulled over like 2 weeks ago, they ran my license and I was fine, there is no reason you should have a warrant" he reassures me

So I begrudgingly agree to go back to the house and call the cops and be his witness etc etc.

The cops show up, put the guy in handcuffs and ask me for my id. One male cop comes over to me two minutes later and says "Sorry son, but you have a bench warrant out for your arrest. I'm gonna have to take you in too."

My heart sank, I couldn't believe it. I had never been arrested before. I felt like such a low-life. The funniest part of the evening then happens. I look down at my feet after they cuff me and I realize I got a big white stain on the bottom of my shirt. You can re-read the start of the story and figure out how it got there.

So they stick me in the back of the van with this psychopath. He is threatening me the whole way there. Telling me he is gonna kill me etc etc. I'm not really phased by it, i'm more worried about the fact that it is thursday and if I don't get a hearing in the morning i'm gonna be in jail all weekend.

We get to the station, they take my shoelaces, my money and wallet and stick me in a holding cell.

Whattya know, this psycho is in the holding cell with me. Now, they asked me if I had any piercings when they took my shoeslaces and I said no but I actually had my tongue pierced. We get to the holding cell and this guy starts tellin me again how he is gonna kill me, it is gonna be a long summer etc etc.

We have our hands cuffed behind our back but we can still walk around. I was worried he might try to headbutt me or bite me or something so I pulled my arms down behind me, pulled my legs through and got my hands in front of me. I took out my tongue ring and in about 10 seconds was able to get my handcuffs off.

"GUARD!" my attacker screams


As soon as he did it I realized how stupid is was to do. There was a camera in the room and I obviously didn't wanna get in any more trouble. Three cops roll up on us as i'm trying to get my arms back behind me.

"What are you fucking retarded, boy? Do that shit again and I swear to god i'll taze you"

They recuff me, this time by my feet as well and they cuff me to the wall. I wasn't going anywhere. But after about 30 minutes or so they finally sent me to my cell. It was a surreal experience, I couldn't believe it was happening. It all felt like a bad dream. I lied awake for a few hours. Trying to find a way I could hang myself if I had my shoelaces. There really wasn't any way that I could see, it made me wonder why they really needed my shoeslaces.

Then surprisingly I actually fell asleep. I always have had a hard time falling asleep if i'm not in my bed. When my family and I go camping I usually sleep about 30min-1hour a day and its not good sleep. But this time I was able, and it was a baaad idea. I woke up what was probably only 2-3 hours later but I had no sense of what time it was. I couldn't see outside, there were no clocks, no cops around and no one in the cells around me.

Finally about 3 hours later a cop finally shows up, lets me out of my cell and tells me I have to go to court. The jail at the courthouse was way worse. I was in a room with like 30 guys who all looked like this was not their first rodeo. I remember this disgustingly obese, unshaven man taking a shit in the toilet right in front of everyone. I sat there listening to all these guys talk about how they robbed liquor stores or beat some guy with a bat.

And here I am, sitting in jail because two years ago my friend smashed a light bulb with a traffic cone.

I talk to this one guy who clearly lifts weights. He told me he was working out at the gym and a buddy asked him to hold an ounce of cocaine for him. While lifting weights the guy had some kind of seizure and an ambulance had to be called. He was arrested for possession and was looking at like 10 years or something. He went before the  judge right before me and got off clean as a whistle because he never gave anyone permission to search his pockets so it was an "illegal search and seizure"

Lucky SOB

So I go up next, the judge smirks and says "I remember you. What the hell are you doing back here." I didn't even recognize him I couldn't believe he knew who I was. I explained to him what happened with the guy hitting my work truck, and also reminded him that my friend confessed to the crime, not me, so I really had never done anything in the first place. He just kinda laughed and said "ok well i'll just drop the charges then"

And that was it. As I left the courtroom I got my shoelaces and wallet back. I became really frustrated that after all of that bullshit I went through the judge just said "ok i'll just drop the charges and you can go"

I was pissed, I never should have been arrested in the first place. At least that is how I felt at the time, I understand why it happened.

So I leave with the intention of walking 3 miles back to my house and as soon as I take one step out I see my friend dave driving by. The timing couldnt have been any better.