I met Mark at a nightclub. No, wait. That's not true. My best friend, Dahlia, met Mark on the internet. This was, like, 1990-something. 6? 7? I was definitely old enough to drink. And we met him together at a restaurant, I think, for a dinner I don't really remember but then he joined us in going to a nightclub. It was ManRay, in Pompano Beach, FL, which was related to but shouldn't be mistaken with the legendary ManRay club that used to be in Cambridge, MA. This ManRay had a sort of 20s or 30s speakeasy sort of feel with deep plush booths and low warm lighting. It was a swing night (the dancing not the sexing) and we would go often. I don't think Mark danced really but we had a lot of booze and I went home with him.
The sex was reeeally good. Like. Stellar. If I recall. And I woke up in the morning to him mostly dead to the world, save a roar like snore that echoed through his house.
I got up and snooped around. It was the guest house of this huge mansion. The pool house really. The pool house was this two story spanish tile mini palace. I wound up downstairs watching Thundercats on tv and calling my BFF to tell her in graphic details about the night and also about the snoring. OH THE SNORING. It was epic, really.
So the day went really great. Mark brought me into the main house (the owners were not there, it was his job to manage it I guess and somebody actually paid this 20-something guy $50k a year to live in their big house and drive around their car.) Anyway, Mark gave me a big plush robe and did my laundry and made me scrambled eggs and and...
He was kind of the perfect guy for a bit. We went on there totally normal dinner/movie kind of dates and it was great for a week or two. Then there was the night I won't even forget. We went to Friday's in the Boca Town Center mall and I had a cup of soup and a club sandwich on croissant. This is not remotely relevant except to illustrate how I truly do remember ever detail vividly from this point on. Over dinner, the sexual tension was mounting. We were making eyes and playing footsy under the table and occasionally grazing one anothers arm with a lignering finger. Sex was immenant. You'd think we'd been building up to this the whole time and we'd never touched another person before which is clearly not the case.
So we leave the restaurant and start making out by the car and it's clear that we just need to go in the backseat and bang in the parking lot so I look at him and say "do you have a condom because I don't?"
So I suggested a nearby Eckerd (it was since over taken by CVS) to go grab some condoms and then the sexing can ensue. But we didn't go to the drugstore. We fought.
Mark started to assure me that condoms were completely unnecessary and I argued vehemently. And it was weird, because I was still crazy hot for him and wanted this whole thing to brush over so we could copulate but he kept fighting and he was insistent, not that he didn't like condoms or want to use them but that we didn't NEED them. And then he told me why and I will paraphrase this for you.
"You know I was in the army, right? Well, I was a paratrooper when I was in the army. And this one time my 'chute failed. FAILED. I could have died. I SHOULD have died...."
I'm over here listening to this wondering how this has anything to do with contraceptives, but, whatever, I'm listening...
"...and I didn't die. I LIVED. And I'm not maimed or injured or anything!"
So I ASK what this has to do with the current argument and he says "Don't you SEE? Obviously God doesn't want anything bad to happen to me and that's why we don't need a condom."
"See. I can't get an STD so I can't give one to you. We're safe."
I wish I had evidence of this. This guy belived this argument the way creationists believe the Earth was created in 6000 years and that dinosaurs and Adam were BFFs. So I ask "what about pregnancy?"
"Well, if that's what God wants..."
I got in my car and left. Horny as hell. A little bit pissed off. And laughing so hard I was crying a bit. I called my best friend to tell her this story and as she's talking to me HE calls her to tell her why *I* am crazy and that she should convince me to come back.
This alone would make an excellent story, but it doesn't stop here. After calling her for a few months trying to get her to talk me into going out with him he decided to get back at my by trying to go out with her. I said to her once while he called her when we were together, loud enough for him to hear. "Listen, if you want to sleep with him, have at it, because he's great in bed. But don't you dare date him because he's batshit." She didn't sleep with him. Shame for her. He really did leave credence to the fact that crazy people make excellent lovers.
But it doesn't end quite yet. Instead Mark disappears from Dahlia's and my life for something like 3 years. And then he pops up on the internet. I'm not sure if I saw him and got curious or if he saw me and said hello, but I found myself in a chat/text conversation with him which lead to the discovery that he kept the same weird late night hours I did (I was waiting tables) and that led to us chatting on the phone.
So we talked for a couple of weeks for 15 minutes here or 20 minutes there when I was driving home from work at 1am. I brought up the paratrooper condom incident and he didn't remember it, but said he was a bit crazy then and apologized profusely. Okay. He seemed normal. We talked about being friends.
The one night a few weeks in, I was in line at the drive through at Taco Bell when it happened. Mark said "So I've been thinking and it's not going to work."
"What's not going to work?"
"You and me."
"What about you and me?"
"Well... you have a strong personality and I have a strong personality and I just don't think..."
"Wait. Are you... are you breaking up with me?"
"Well, yes, but, you know maybe one day we can be friends." Keep in mind here, I had talk to him for only a few minutes a night a few nights a week for a couple of weeks. I talked about boys in my life in some of those conversations even! So I say...
"But... but we're not dating!" And he says... "Oh, Dawn, you don't have to say that just to make yourself feel better."
And I hung up. And called Dahlia to tell her the story. He, fortunately, did not have her number anymore and THAT is the last time I ever spoke to Mark. About Mark, on the other hand...